Jumat, 30 Agustus 2013

OCD by Neil Hilborn



The first time I saw her..
Everything in my head went quiet.
All the ticks, all the constantly refreshing images just disappeared.

When you have Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, you don’t really get quiet moments.
Even in bed, I’m thinking:
Did I lock the doors? Yes.
Did I wash my hands? Yes.
Did I lock the doors? Yes.
Did I wash my hands? Yes.
But when I saw her, the only thing I could think about was the hairpin curve of her lips..
Or the eyelash on her cheek—
the eyelash on her cheek—
the eyelash on her cheek.

I knew I had to talk to her.
I asked her out six times in thirty seconds.
She said yes after the third one, but none of them felt right, so I had to keep going.
On our first date, I spent more time organizing my meal by color than I did eating it, or talking to her..
But she loved it.
She loved that I had to kiss her goodbye sixteen times or twenty-four times at different times of the day.
She loved that it took me forever to walk home because there are lots of cracks on our sidewalk.
When we moved in together, she said she felt safe, like no one would ever rob us because I definitely lock the door eighteen times.
I’d always watch her mouth when she talked—
when she talked—
when she talked—
when she talked;
when she said she loved me, her mouth would curl up at the edges.

At night, she’d lay in bed and watch me turn all the lights off.. And on, and off, and on, and off, and on, and off, and on, and off, and on, and off.
She’d close her eyes and imagine that the days and nights were passing in front of her.

But then.. She said I was taking up too much of her time.
That I couldn’t kiss her goodbye so much because I was making her late for work..
When she said she loved me, her mouth was a straight line..


When I stopped in front of a crack in the sidewalk, she just kept walking..
And last week she started sleeping at her mother’s place.
She told me that she shouldn’t have let me get so attached to her; that this whole thing was a mistake, but..
How can it be a mistake that I don’t have to wash my hands after I touch her?

Love is not a mistake, and it’s killing me that she can run away from this and I just can’t.
I can’t go out and find someone new because I always think of her.
Usually, when I obsess over things, I see germs sneaking into my skin.
I see myself crushed my an endless succession of cars..
And she was the first beautiful thing I ever got stuck on.

I want to wake up every morning thinking about the way she holds her steering wheel..
How she turns shower knobs like she opening a safe.
How she blows out candles—
blows out candles—
blows out candles—
blows out candles—
blows out—….
Now, I just think about who else is kissing her.
I can’t breathe because he only kisses her once—he doesn’t care if it’s perfect!
I want her back so bad..
I leave the door unlocked.
I leave the lights on.

Jumat, 22 Juni 2012

Reminding Me Of You

When i first heard this song, all that i can think of and all that blistering in my eyes is you.

Your smile, your laugh, your hand caresing me. Gently scrathing my hair.

HEAVEN ON EARTH. Yeah, you are my heaven on earth, rpd baby.

Really wishing that one day, i could sing this song to you, at our wedding day.

Fly Love

Wasn´t really thinkin', wasn´t lookin' , wasn´t searching
for an answer
In the moonlight
When I saw your face

Saw you lookin' at me, saw you peeking out from under
moon beams
Through the palm trees
Swayin' in the breeze

I know, I´m feelin' so much more than ever before
And so I´m giving more to you than I though I could do

Don´t know how it happened, don´t know why, but you don´t
really need a reason
When the stars shine
Just to fall in love

Made to love each other, made to be together, for a life time
In the sunshine
Flying in the sky

I know I´m feelin' so much more than ever before
And so I´m giving more to you than I thought I could do
Ooh...

Now I know love is real
So when the sky high, as the angels try
Letting you and I
Fly love

Kamis, 21 Juni 2012

The Lonely

I go to the lonely and ask him
"What do you fear?"
"Come close and I'll whisper in your ear..."
I shuffle my feet and draw near
"I fear that which causes me pain."
"What kind of pain?"
"The kind that comes from humiliation."
"Why?" my brow creased in concentration
"Because when I am humiliated I hate myself"
I lean back in confusion
"Why?"
"Because on the inside, I cry"
"Why?"
"Because when I am humiliated, others dislike me
and then I have no friends and I become lonely"
"But are you not lonely now?"
Now it's his turn to crease his brow
"Yes, I must confess"
"Why?"
"Because I shut myself away for protection"
"Protection from what?" is my question
"Protection from humiliation"
 
- Gilad Levanon -

The Loneliness

Babyface's The Loneliness is seem to be so myself for now.

The ultimate lyrics that even can surely make me wanna harm myself after hearing it.

Especially in this time. In this moment. Where i, Wes Umar, is really really really missing the woman i love.

I'm sitting here
Thinking bout
How I'm gonna do without
You around in my life and how am I
I goin' get by
I ain't got no days
Just lonely nights
You want the truth
Well girl I'm not alright
Feel out of place and out of time
I think I'm gonna lose my mind

So tell me how you feel (im lonely)
Are you for real (so lonely)
Do you still think of me (i think of you)
Baby still (are you lonely)
Do you dream of me at night (like i dream of you all the time)
So let me tell you how it feels (its like everyday i die)
Wish i was dreaming but its real (when i open up my eyes)
Let me tell you how it feels (and don't see your pretty face)
I think that i will never love again

I miss your face
I miss your kiss
I even miss the arguments
That we would have from time to time
I miss you standing by my side
I'm dying here its clear to see
There ain't no you, God knows there ain't no me
Don't want to live, I want to die
If I can't have you in my life

So tell me how you feel (I'm lonely)
Are you for real (so lonely)
Do you still think of me (i think of you)
Baby still (are you lonely)
Do you dream of me at night (like i dream of you all the time, so lonely)
Oh let me tell you how it feels (its like everyday i die)
Wish i was dreaming but its real (when i open up my eyes)
Let me tell you how it feels (and don't see your pretty face)
I think that I will never love again

Senin, 18 Juni 2012

A VAMPIRES REMORSE

Found a great poem from deepundergroudpoetry.com that really-really is 'me'



A Vampires Remorse

As I mourned my beloved Wife,
I included in my misery,
a scorn of Gods gift called life,
my immortal eyes watched eternity.

Now all I see is in Moonlight
and I hide when Day is born.
Visions of all is cast in shadows
color of Day is forever gone.

My dead nostrils smell only mildew,
mold and decay, an existence, stale.
I dream of Morning, days beginning
and skin once tan which now is pale.

When I lived and loved my better half,
an oath was made unto myself.
This love would endure eternally
through out time, sickness and health.

Memories of how we said our vows,
there I knew from the start.
Love would transcend it would not end
lasting beyond death do us part.

Our happiness it was governed,
when found out she could not bear young.
Sadness thus encompassed her;
she envied all mothers and songs they sung.

She tried to hide from her pain;
an altered state of mind did seek.
To make her life worth living again,
search happiness where all is bleak.

There by the Gods of luck and odds,
a child came to be.
Conceived by a child herself,
from addictions conflicting deeds.

A drug house a young girls labor occurred,
where my Wife and I had did seek escape.
Life's' pain had inflicted a curse on her;
through altered minds we tried to erase.

An Infant appeared birthed in a bad dream,
for this is the way he was born.
A destitute life of poverty,
destiny at birth it was forlorn.

This young mother she had her druthers;
she traded the child to us for drugs.
My mate and I paid for her to get high,
and then scooped the baby right off the rug.

My Lady did stand, she had a plan
of two plus one is three
She gathered the child, who fit her style
and we became a Family.

Then all was dear for the next five years.
What prospered grew and acquired.
Was love health and material wealth.
All of our wants which we aspired.

Then one wrenched and wicked day
a fool shot a bullet in revelry.
He did not care that it flew through the air
Unconcerned of deaths flying trajectory.

We were on a picnic all three full of love
She suddenly fell and lay on the grove
What pierced my wife took her life
Ending all that for which we had strove.

In a bar I drown my sorrow night after night
The maid let me in as I searched for my keys
I'd lie beside my son both our tears flowing
Wordless we cried and mourned ourselves to sleep.

One eve. After we had laid her to rest
I remembered a haze of the first full moon
Amplified was my cry unrelenting was sorrow
life without her love was surrounded by gloom.

A Female was pale yet she was dark.
We found common ground in our despair.
All her life she'd searched for another.
She wished for a love but love wasn't there.

She had never found love herself.
She desired to help my want within.
Aid my quest, which I needed so,
to search till there was no end.

She took my hand and led me outside
to a graveyard which was near
'What I offer you is immortalit, y
all the time to search for what you hold dear.

In my drunken stupor
I fell into the web she wove
It entangled me with a need to see
The one which I had betroved.

She said, ' Close your eyes, think of times
The glory the splendor of her.
Do not fear this won't take long.
She drew forth my emotions which stirred.

'Lean your head back.' I did so.
I barely felt the fangs go in.
My life ebbed on a journey to bliss,
soon I did call death my friend.

My heartbeat grew softer,
it slowed and nearly stopped.
My conscience knew all of this,
lethargic lucidity as blood pressure dropped.

I thought, what would become of my Son,
with both of us Parents gone?
I prayed the Maid would care for him
and keep her place in our Home.

Then came the voice
Of the one who did this deed.
'This I offer to you
impairs wisdoms of deaths creed.'

And now you must choose,
Do you wish existence to end,
or seek out the one you love.
for you will have all time to spend.

Then came the presence of my Wife
Her spirit gray in hugh.
She said. 'Do not pass into the void
our son is the one who needs of you.

Seeing how you are now undead
Together forever we are.
We three again family you see
I accept it as such here under the stars.

This darkened Woman who drank my blood.
Tensed as my Wife she did hea.r
I wondered what undercurrents were there
for it seemed that what i wished became near.

Then she offered her wrist to me,
Said. ' Drink of my veins and it is done.
To your Wife I must say I will not go away
for the love I have for longed has just begun.

by MikePoet